Here where are again on a Friday all of us. It is starting to feel like the movie “Groundhog’s Day” at times. I just commented on a dear friend Annie’s post over at A Dappled Path (http://annieuk101.wordpress.com/2014/09/26/another-friday-night) and realized my comment was long enough to be a post here. So why not? It has been a while since I posted here.
Annie was posting about something I always feel on Fridays – Fridays are so tough! At 137 Days without drinking, they are still the toughest day of the week for me. And I don’t think this is going away any time soon. So this was worth a post. Here was my comment to Annie:
“Friday nights are still the hardest for me Annie. And then Saturday night is second hardest. Sunday comes in third. Weekends are still so hard. But it is so nice every Monday morning when I realize that I have made it through the weekend. I really do not miss those Saturday and Sunday mornings when I awoke with regret or fear of who I offended or what I said or did. It is so nice NOT to wake up thinking, ‘Boy did you make a fool of yourself last night thinking you were totally fine and making so much sense when you were rambling away to [(fill in the blank) – [the] school principal at a school fundraiser once, an elected official the same night, my best childhood friends in an email . . .’ Luckily, that email sounded somewhat coherent and there were no lasting consequences but I wish I had never sent it still and I was so scared to read it the next day. And I have not seen the elected official in person since. I am sure he has no memory of it! The school principal probably just thinks I had a bit too much wine on a rare occasion. She knows me as a mom and frequent volunteer but I am still embarrassed about that night! There are many other examples too and frankly it was starting to happen too much for my conscience and self-respect to bear. These sorts of specific anecdotes are what I think of in my toughest moments on weekends to reinforce my decision. To put a more positive spin on it, I am not shy or socially and I am probably much more fun to be around not drinking actually! You too I bet! I know you will make it to Day 28, 29 and 30! I know it! I hope you continue after! Above is the kind of thinking that has helped me continue so I wanted to share. I really love that I have no embarrassing moments (from drinking at least – have still embarrassed myself on occasion of course) since May!”
So yes, here we all are on Friday night again. It is so nice to have this space at WordPress to come to when we are feeling so many feelings on Fridays! I am relieved today that I have no plans tonight other than bringing the kids to soccer practice and then watching TV on the couch with the Family. I am looking forward to going to bed early and waking up early for a crazy-busy sports and activity-filled weekend! Tomorrow I am going to a Major League Baseball game and I am having mixed feelings about knowing I am not going to have a beer. I am sad and happy about it at the same time.
For sure, there is still the temptation to “unwind” on a Friday with a glass of wine. It is still so sad and disappointing at times to think of future girls-nights-out, my birthday, holidays, and weekends away that will not involve me drinking. I often wonder, “Will this ever go away?” Or will I change my mind and decide I can drink on weekends and special occasions? It can be emotionally exhausting having these constant conversations with oneself.
So I try to always bring myself back to TODAY. I come back to today. “Today I will not drink.” I remind myself about how proud I will feel tomorrow if I keep my promise to myself today. If I am in a really bad spot, I remind myself of some anecdotes such as above to remember why I am doing this.
With time comes momentum too. I am learning again that I am fun and I can have fun without drinking. And with time, I have confirmed what I suspected long ago. I can be more present and more attentive to the moments I am sharing with others without drinking. And I like being present and not having the regrets described in my comment above. It was worth sharing here too.